Ode Tae A Fart

Ode Tae A Fart

Writen in the style of Robert Burns: Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie Lurks in your belly efter the feastie Just as ye sit doon among yer kin There sterts to stir an enormous wind The neeps and tatties and mushy peas Stert workin like a gentle breeze But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face Will have ye blawin all ower the place Nae matter whit the hell ye dae A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay Even if ye try tae stifle It's like a bullet oot a rifle Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair Tae try and stop the leakin air Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek Prae tae God it doesnae reek But aw yer efforts go assunder Oot it comes like a clap o thunder Ricochets aroon the room Michty me a sonic boom God almighty it fairly reeks Hope I huvnae shit my breeks Tae the bog I better scurry Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry A'body roon aboot me chokin Wan or two are nearly bokin I'll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower Alas too late, he's just keeled ower Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare A dinnae feel welcome any mair Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan' free Sounds like just the job fur me Whit a fuss at rabbie's party Ower the sake o one wee farty

MICHAEL JACKSON

Just got sent two jokes:

Michael jackson is going to be recycled into plastic bags so that he will be forever, white, plastic and dangerous to children.

Michael Jackson is going to be melted down and cast into toy soldiers so the children can play with him for a change.

I just don't care.

BEST COMPLAINT LETTER

I just wanted to record this for the future on my Blog as I can read it and feel better.

Dear Mr Branson

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REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

• Paul Charles, Virgin’s Director of Corporate Communications, confirmed that Sir Richard Branson had telephoned the author of the letter and had thanked him for his “constructive if tongue-in-cheek” email. Mr Charles said that Virgin was sorry the passenger had not liked the in-flight meals which he said was “award-winning food which is very popular on our Indian routes.”

Brown and Iraq.

Thanks to Rosie for getting my dander up once more ;o)


Every time I see on the news, another fatality amongst our forces it is like a red hot needle goes into my soul. Not least because as an ex soldier, and father of a serving officer, I witnessed the death and destruction of some of my own comrades. But more much more than that because of the lies and duplicity that has put the lives of our finest young men and women at risk because of the ego of this corrupt PM and the previous one.

When Brown promised a root and branch review of Parliament he promised transparency, accountability, honesty, and respect. At his very first opportunity he has completely and predictably failed to do so. Promises mean nothing to these crooks. His moral compass, just spins and spins, as he flounders around in a bed of his making.

His announcement that yet another Iraq war enquiry will be secret has just blown him out of the water for good. To open it to public scrutiny could see him and Blair in jail for war crimes.

The never ending pain and grief that these liars have put families through is hard for anyone to imagine. Losing a comrade is pain that never fades, losing a son or daughter must be multiplied by God knows how many factors. Yet these cowards have never had the guts to meet the likes of Rosie and George Gentle, and their family, who's existence is a painful one as they try to come to terms with the loss of their brave 19 year old laddie.

When our son is on active service we dread hearing the news or seeing a strange car in the street, it is a living hell. You pray and pray for their safety and hide your worry as much as you can. You stop going to places where you can see the news channel on the TV. You stop reading newspapers. You withdraw into a shell hoping that the worst just avoids you this time.

The UK and the World is a much more dangerous place since Blair's decision to follow the Neocon Texan cowboy into the desert and spread death and destruction in a sovereign country for oil. May they rot and burn in hell.



Here is a copy of the response I put on Rosies Blog:

One reason why the unelected Brown does not want an open transparent enquiry is that his tenure in No11 will see him exposed as one of the main reasons that troops were deprived of very basic equipment taken for granted by other armies, such as proper robust vehicles and not ex NI snatch landrovers, good modern body armour and most important good air cover and medivac facilities. His restraints put on Whitehall at the time were the main reason for these disgracefull failures.

Grieving mothers like Rosie Gentle who's son Gordon died for want of electronic counter measures, which was being held back in a bloody store somewhere, instead of being issued.

This is how Rosie found out:

"Fusileer Gentle was travelling with a convoy of Snatch Land Rovers as it left Basra Palace at 8.30 on the morning of Monday 28 June. Fusileer Sean Gill, next to him, told the inquest he was dazzled by a huge flash as the bomb exploded. "I was disorientated for a few seconds. He was lying on his back with his eyes open."

Shrapnel had pierced Gordon's upper back, cutting an artery and stopping the flow of blood to his brain. A camera crew with the convoy filmed the efforts of his colleagues to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Within hours, a censored version of the footage appeared on the breakfast news – and was seen by Rose Gentle as she drank a morning coffee. "I thought, 'God, some poor mammy's going to see her son lying on the ground.'" She did think for one awful moment that she recognised Gordon, but thought, "It can't be, I would have been told."

Three hours later, two soldiers came to the shop where she worked. They asked her to sit in their car, and then they told her. "All I can remember is running out the car, screaming.'"

Her husband, George, a construction ground worker, collapsed from the shock when she rang to tell him. "I just says, 'The wee man's been killed.'" George has not worked since. He supports his wife's campaigning, but plays no public part in it. While we talk, he stays out of the way in Gordon's room, on the computer."

And this is how the bastards respond:

http://tinyurl.com/ns4hyy

On his very first test on his much trumpeted transparency and accountability, Brown is exposed as the lying demagog he is and always will be who puts his and his morally bankrupt party before all.

Well Gordon Brown you are finished so why don't you just piss of and take your rag bag of scum sucking crooks with you.

Thanks for reading, I feel a Blog post coming on.

Lord Foulkes and his resource wasting questions.

An example of a time wasting malevolent waste of space.

Lord Foulkes.

Vomit spectacle..

The Vomitorial Labour Love In

The cameras were let loose in the Cabinet Room yesterday so that we could all see that all had changed and that evangelical conversion had overtaken New Labour.It was a truly vomitorial spectacle. There were smiles and cuddles and only just short of kisses ,in public anyway. The long knives were put away under the table for the moment as the British establishment obviously has decided that for the moment only Broon can save Britannia for another year or two.

Mediawatch.

HISTORY REPEATS.

TRACTOR STATS RETURNS IS HAD TO BE DONE

BRITISH PM GORDON BROWN TAKEN TO PRIORY.


Sorry but this was to good to ignore, the return of tractor stats has put a brighter light in the blogosphere during these interesting times.

GREEN SHOOTS ME ARSE.

This is the man who alerted me 5 years ago of the coming reccession and banks collapse and was the reason for me selling Barclays at 734p. He also warned of the collapse in the debt bubble. What hurts the US hurts all of us, there is much much worse to come we are nowhere near the bottom yet.

Our lying corrupt politicians such as jack Straw are cynically suggesting that we have reached the bottom, and the green shoots have sprouted, as a last deperate effort to help his rotten PM.

They could not find their arse with both hands.

====================================================

Dear Subscriber,

The government has just told us that the official U.S. unemployment rate surged to 9.4%, the worst in a quarter century!

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• This official number is grossly understated: It doesn’t even begin to count the millions who suddenly find themselves trying to live on a part-time income ... or the millions more who have given up looking for a job altogether.
  
  
• The worst layoffs are yet to come: Not only from giants like Chrysler and General Motors ... not only from thousands of auto dealerships and part suppliers ... but also from millions of small businesses all across America.
  
  
• The government’s recent bank "stress" tests were flat out wrong. They assumed an average employment rate of 8.9% this year. With today’s announcement, it is now clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the actual rate will be far higher.
  
  
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And all this is why ...

The Message You’ve Been Giving Me
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My answer: Yes, Carl, if history teaches us anything, it’s that these kinds of rallies and lulls occur in every bear market. I count no fewer than nine of them in the stock market crash of 1929-33 alone!

And history also teaches us that, despite the hype and happy talk coming from Washington and Wall Street, the fundamental trend will always prevail.

The lesson is clear: Investors who ignore the fundamentals, such as the surge we just saw in unemployment, are too easily seduced by Washington and Wall Street spin.

They fall victim to the lullaby that “the worst is over” and jump back into stocks just before the next major leg down. The result: A whole new round of stinging losses.

Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s coming next for the U.S. economy in the weeks and months ahead. Just connect the dots ...

• Consumer spending is 70% of the U.S. economy.
  
  
• Those consumers are now either out of work or are terrified that they could be the next to lose their jobs.
  
  
• So consumers are avoiding unnecessary purchases like the plague.
  
  
• And that means corporate earnings will continue to plunge and inevitably, so will stock prices.

This message couldn’t be clearer: The long-term bearish trend in stocks is firmly intact. Our contrarian investments — things that rise in value when stocks fall — should deliver substantial profits for those who keep the faith.

Thanks for the great question, Carl!

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Martin

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THE SCOTSMAN from Mediawatch.

Another Doomed to Oblivion

A strange sense of the end being nigh

is overtaking The Hootsman.Many will have noted for example that it rarely gets a mention in the 'tomorrow's newspapers' summaries at the end of Newsnight Scotland. Although its Saturday sales probably provides it with just enough income to survive, the end cannot be long now as it fails totally to come to grips with the political and constitutional Zeitgeist overtaking this land. Sadly,by this time next year it will only be the Scottish edition of The Independent'

SOME LIGHT READING FOR THOSE WHO STUMBLE IN HERE.

General

North Sea Oil

Financial Sector

Water

Agriculture

Forestry

Fisheries

Public Sector

Industry

Transport

Energy

Financial Analyses

Below is an abbreviated version of the financial analysis of Scotland's economic situation by forensic accountant, Niall Aslen. It exposes the utter falsehood of the government's GERS report and shows that far from having a large deficit, Scotland has a huge surplus. The government has been unable to rebut Aslen's findings and instead have tried to have the analysis suppressed and ignored. Note that there are two submissions below : the Great Deception exposing the lies of the 2004 / 2005 GERS documents; and the Great Obfuscation revealing the mis-information in the 2006 / 2007 GERS document. THE GREAT DECEPTION - GERS- 2004 / 2005 “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.” Josef Goebbels. Hitler’s propaganda chief. In May 2000 I wrote the original article called ‘The Big Lie.’ It was an exercise to establish the truth of the often repeated claims of the British Government that Scotland was too economically weak to stand on its own two feet. In fact the claim has been made that the English Taxpayers are subsidising the Scots. After months of painstaking research the results were astonishing to say the least. The reverse was actually true, it was Scotland that was substantially subsidising the rest of the UK. However this Big lie is still repeated by the Scottish Executive and Labour Politicians, both in Holyrood and Westminster in the form of the GERS report and accordingly I have been retained by an Independent policy think tank and the newly formed Scottish Enterprise Party to verify the truth or otherwise of the GERS report. According to the GERS Report, Scoltland is an economic basket case which requires £11.2 Billions annually from the UK exchequer to balance the books. My remit is to establish the truth or otherwise for this claim. The British Government have made vast improvements in the online services available for researchers using the Internet over the past 5 years Most of the data is now online. The one major source of information has been http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/ links from this website give additional information. I am using the UK Governments own statistics for comparison with the GERS report and where interpolation has been required the figures err on the conservative side giving the benefit of any doubt to the UK statistics. In my original article North Sea Oil revenues were difficult to track down as the UK Government regarded these as special resources of the UK (Extra-Regio Territories) and not Scottish, even though the Oilfields are in Scottish waters, are policed by Grampian Police and supported by an Infrastructure, at NE Scottish Ratepayers and Council Tax payers expense without any financial support from Westminster. Following this UK Government convention, the GERS report compilers have done likewise, thus North Sea Revenues are EXCLUDED from the allocation of revenues received from Scotland. The UK government have created a new country named Extra Regio Territories in order to conceal the Oil revenues from the Scottish account. Accordingly I have ignored this new creation and included the North Sea Oil revenuess in the comparitor. When the Scottish Parliament was established, the UK Government annexed 6000 square miles of Scottish Waters rich in Oil, Gas and Fish and transferred them to English jurisdiction. In these cases, I have re-allocated this areas Tax revenues to the Scottish Tax Revenues account under the original international boundary. I have also re-allocated the Scottish operations proportion of the Corporation and other taxes paid by the International Oil Companies based in London whose taxes are credited to the London account. These would naturally accrue to the Scottish treasury if Scotland were independent. I am still not satisfied that I have gained a true picture of North Sea Oil and Gas revenues as I am certain some of these have been allocated to the Gross operating surplus and Crown Estates Income. In this event, they may well be understated for the Scottish North Sea Tax revenues, but I have found it next to impossible at present to penetrate the veil of obfuscation from HM Treasury that surrounds this heading. The U.K. Government use the figure of 8.6% (Red Book 2004) to express the percentage of Scottish Populace to the U.K. Population as a whole, and I have used this percentage in Annex A where it was impossible to ascertain the correct percentage. (Comparitor of Taxation Revenue and Percentages). It should be Noted that the least ambiguous site was HM Revenue and Customs. The worst site being the Treasury. TAXES and RATES Inland revenue figures strongly suggest that there are a higher proportion of Scots, whose earnings fall below the minimum Tax level and therefore pay no tax at all, than in the rest of the U.K. A pointer to the relative levels of poverty in Scotland. Another anomaly is the number of people of pensionable age who continue to work, this would naturally be expected of Hill Farmers and Crofters whose incomes are desperately low, but it extends right across the board. In the U.K. the average number of Pensioners working is 6.6% of all pensioners. However in Scotland the ratio is 9.4%. Also Included in the figures are Council Tax and Business rates, as quite properly these are taxes to be taken into account. Council Tax at 8.1% is lower than the population percentage of 8.6%.I have reasons to suspect that this figure is considerably higher in that a proportion of the Social protection account has been used by the DWP to pay the council tax bills of those on benefits. Business rates are even higher at 9.6%. In Fraserburgh one high Street shop has a rates bill of a similar sized shop in Regents Street in London! One would expect Rural areas to have higher charges than Urban areas, but this does not account for the difference, which may occur to the high costs of providing the infrastructure for the Oil Industry on the East and North East coasts, but is more likely in the Central belt, to be the result of Labour Councils Bad Management, inefficiencies and profligacy. Before we reach the concluding part, it would be a good idea to acquaint oneself with the various taxes and so would you please turn to APPENDIX A at the back and I will take you on a quick tour. Please note that when I refer to One Billion, I am talking about one thousand million, NOT the old convention of one million million. VALUE ADDED TAX We start first of all with our old friends from Customs and Excise and the most easily recognized Tax of all: Value Added Tax. Scotland's share being £7.497 Billion or 10.3% of the Total. One would expect it to be lower than this due to the lower levels of personal spending, as is reflected in the GERS report which only highlights Household expenditures at 8.1% and does not include Business VAT contributions. However this 10.3% distortion is due to the fact that VAT is charged on Bottled Whisky and hydrocarbon Fuels as soon as they leave the Distillery bonded stores or the Refinery gates. It should be noted that Scotland has a higher production ratio in these commodities. Therefore GERS comes below 8.6% in line with the Population percentage. HYDROCARBON OILS Hydrocarbon Oils at £4,389 Billions or 20.8% is more properly not a Tax but an Excise duty. Excise Duty is payable when the Fuels leave the Refinery gate and the high percentage reflects the dominant position of the Grangemouth Refinery in the UK. It should be noted that GERS only allocates £1.313 or 5.6% of Duty to Scotland and this could well be the result of the Refineries owners having their head offices in London where the excise duties are paid, thus distorting the true picture. Certainly in an Independent Scotland these revenues would be paid to the Scottish exchequer so to correct this anomaly I have calculated the fuel duty from the production figures. TOBACCO DUTY Tobacco Duty at £1,002 Billion or 12.1% is more than the national average, but reflects the increased level of imports and manufactures in Scotland. This figure may alter in later years because of the ban on smoking in public places causing more people to give up smoking. ALCOHOL DUTIES The GERS Report lumps four separate duties together at £703 Millions or 8.9%. However on investigation this figure is a gross underestimate of Alcohol production in Scotland which produces over 35% of all spirits distilled in the UK. Thanks to figures produced by the Scotch Whisky industry I have arrived at a fair calculation of the duty generated. However this is still understated as Much of the production is credited to the London account by the fact of the head offices being located there. The breakdown is as follows : Whisky at £856 Millions or 35.9% This reflects the high output of Whisky and other spiritous distilling in Scotland. Beer at £437 or 14.1% again reflects the fact that Scotland produces more than her population would suggest. Just under one half is exported either to the rest of the UK or overseas. Wine and made wine at £192 or 8.6% may well be overstated even though large quantities of wine are imported into Scottish ports. There is insufficient information to comment further. The same applies to Cider and Perry, although foreign imports are increasing the figure is £14 Millions or 8.9%. BETTING AND GAMING Betting, Gaming and the Lottery represents £122 millions or 8.6%. There is no regional breakdown of these receipts so the national average of 8.6% has been applied. AIR PASSENGER DUTY Air Passenger Duty represents £74 Million of receipts which is equal to the national level of 8.6%. In my opinion this is overstated as most air travel takes place from English airports not Scottish. Hard figures are not available. INSURANCE PREMIUM TAX Insurance premium Tax is a nice little earner for the Chancellor. Although the national population percentage is used, I believe the revenues raised £204 Million, are understated due to the strength of the Scottish insurance companies. LANDFILL TAX Landfill Tax at £69 Million (10.2%) is slightly higher than the national average. However figures are available for Scotland. The GERS report only allocates £57 million (8.5%) so guesstimates must have been used or a straight national percentage applied. CLIMATE CHANGE LEVY It has proved impossible to apportion them by actual revenue raised in Scotland, so the Population percentage of 8.6% has been applied. AGGREGATES LEVY Due to there being a higher production of aggregates in Scotland the revenues collected £47 Millions (14%) are higher than the norm. The GERS compilers obviously had access to the same data. This levy is due to increase as the Chancellor in yesterdays budget has increased the levy to £1.92p per metric tonne. INCOME TAX Our old nemesis Hector the Tax Inspector holds out the Inland Revenue collection plate and takes £8.906 Billions from our hip pockets or 7.2% of all UK Income Taxes. As mentioned earlier, this is an indicator of the relative Wealth of Scotland compared to the UK as a whole. If we take the Treasury Population figure of 8.6% as being accurate, then this would indicate that wages and Salaries are some 16% lower in Scotland than they are in England. NATIONAL INSURANCE CONTRIBUTIONS National Insurance Contributions which are effectively a Tax, Contributed £6.410 Billion pounds or 8.2%. This heading reveals the same disparity in earning power of The Scots as opposed to the English levels. See my earlier comment. CORPORATION TAXES (Non North Sea) Non North Sea Company Corporation Taxes follow on at £4.611 Billion pounds or 15% of the UK Total. This is higher due to the relative profitability of Scottish Companies and firms and is especially true of Banking, Finance and Insurance. It should be noted that the GERS report shows a figure of £2,422 or 7.9% which is far too low, considering that the Royal Bank Of Scotland paid £2.38 Billions in Corporation tax. Are the authors of GERS seriously telling us that only the Royal bank paid Corporation tax? According to data for the top 500 Scottish Companies (Insider magazine January 2007 Page 22) The top 500 companies made taxable profits of £18.5 Bn on which yielded Tax revenues of £5.55 Billions of which £941 Millions is credited to the North Sea Oil account. This figure of £4.611 does not take any account of Corporation taxes paid by smaller Scottish companies. A Conservative figure for the smaller companies quite significant share of Corporation Taxes would be in the region of around £400 Millions. http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/corporate_tax/table11_1.pdf CAPITAL GAINS TAXES Capital Gains Taxes at £370 Millions or 16.2% is a reflection of of the booming housing and property market which is fast catching up with English prices. It should be noted that the GERS Report only shows £186 Millions or 8.1%. I have taken the more reliable figures from the Oxford Economic review : Regional contributions to UK public finances. January 2007. http://www.oxfordeconomics.com/Free/pdfs/regcont.pdf INHERITANCE TAXES Inheritance Taxes at £258 Millions or 8.8% are nearly double the figure in GERS. Again I have used the more reliable data in the Oxford Economic review : Regional contributions to UK public finances. January 2007. http://www.oxfordeconomics.com/Free/pdfs/regcont.pdf Table Page 22. STAMP DUTIES Stamp Duties account for £433 Millions or 4.8% actual which is well below the UK average, reflecting lower house prices in Scotland and that Scots have fewer opportunities for amassing wealth. However the GERS report shows £720 Millions or 8.0%. This is clearly incorrect as the Oxford data shows. Oxford Economic review : Regional contributions to UK public finances. January 2007. http://www.oxfordeconomics.com/Free/pdfs/regcont.pdf Table Page 22. There may be the case that Stamp duties paid by the Scottish Financial sector on Bonds, shares and other transactions are credited to the London account. There is no means of telling but this is a possibility which would mean the Scottish revenues are understated. VEHICLE EXCISE DUTIES Now we come to the other Taxes and Government receipts which will complete this tour, taxes such as Vehicle Excise Duty of £384 Million Pounds or 8.1% slightly below the UK average reflects the Duty paid on a New Car and Road Fund Duty. However due to the considerable number of Company vehicles purchased out with Scotland by Companies registered outside Scotland, but used on Scottish roads, the vehicle excise duty is clearly understated. BUSINESS RATES Business Rates of £1.813 Billion Pounds or 9.6% are a regressive tax on profitable businesses. They are abnormally high in Scotland, because the mostly Labour local Authorities have never implemented the Standard Business Rate Laws brought in by the last Conservative government. Too many Labour Councils regard the Business sector as a milk cow to be exploited ruthlessly to make good their shortfalls in local taxation. This fact has led to far too many companies and small business' shutting up shop for good or moving south or onto the Continent where Rates or Land taxes are much cheaper. Scotland has the unenviable reputation of having one of the highest Business rates in the western world. COUNCIL TAXES Council Taxes of £1.615 Billion pounds or 8.1% reflect the costs of Council services in Scotland and something which is not listed separately are the Water charges which are almost double the privatised English and Welsh norm. In Scotland, The Councils collect the water charges on behalf of Scottish Water. In the rest of the UK, the charges are collected by the private water companies. However this is a minor distortion of the figures and can be largely ignored as statistically insignificant. OTHER TAXES AND ROYALTIES Other Taxes and Royalties of £1.010 Billion Pounds or 8.6% have been allocated pro rata to the Scottish population average. There being insufficient information otherwise. INTEREST & DIVIDENDS Interest and Dividends of £485 Millions or 8.6% have been allocated pro rata to the Scottish population average. There being insufficient information otherwise. As these are general receipts, it is logical to allocate the national share by population percentage. GROSS OPERATING SURPLUS AND CROWN ESTATE RENTS Gross operating Surplus and Crown estate rents and Income of £1.223 Billion or 8.6%. The population ratio was applied even though I suspect there is an Element of North Sea Oil exploration licences in this figure. OTHER REVENUES & ACCOUNTING ADJUSTMENTS I include this topic as it is included in the GERS report. There is a negative figure of (£2.135) Billions for the entire UK of which (£177) Millions or 8.3% is allocated to Scotland. This may be because of the arcane methodology involved and possibly conflicts between several sources of Receipts used in GERS. In my view its sloppy accounting practice having (£2.135) Billions held in a suspense account. (In other words we don’t know where to put it!) EXTRA REGIO TERRITORIES (NORTH SEA) This section has been completely omitted from the GERS report even though this information is in the public domain. The division between the Scottish and English sectors has been set as Scotland having 95% of the revenues. Professor Kemp of Aberdeen University sets the share at 97.1%. However I have decided to err on the side of caution by setting the share at 95%. North Sea Companies Corporation Taxes are next at £2.901 Billions or 95.0% of the Oil and Gas Sectors. The Corporation tax figures are those taken from Companies House Annual returns for Companies with registered interests in the Scottish Oilfields. It should be noted that many of these Companies have their head offices in London and the payments of Corporation Tax are credited to the London Account by the Treasury, Not Scotland! I have used the UKOOA annual report where clarification was necessary. This source was used for the primary figures: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/corporate_tax/table11_1.pdf Petroleum Revenue Tax at £1.220 Billion also represents 95.0% as being the Scottish Sector. Source: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/tax_receipts/table-1-2-jul-06.pdf North Sea Supplementary charge at £1.010 Billions is also reckoned to be 95.0% Scottish Sector. Source: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/corporate_tax/table11_11.pdf Finally the Crown estates seabed wayleave rights charges at £57 Millions of which Scotland’s share is £49 Millions or 95.0%. Crown estates Wayleave rights are not insignificant as I have seen one UK Government document stating that £1.3 Billions has been raised this way since 1978. There is no logical reason as to why the GERS report should exclude these figures which jointly amount to £4,985 Billion pounds which would greatly reduce their putative deficit of £11.2 Billion pounds. However their other understatements must also be taken into account. This brings us to the totals and at this point the figures have a story to tell. The Total UK Taxation Revenues for the year to the 5th April 2005 were £447.431 Billion pounds. Now let us assume that figure is 100% of the total Taxation. Scotland with 8.6% of the population contributed £48.111 Billion Pounds or 10.8% of the total UK Tax revenues. The percentage population formula would assume that Scotland would contribute only £38.479 Billion pounds. If fact Scotland did much better by actually contributing an extra £9.632 Billions to the revenue pot. Far from England subsidising Scotland as Prime Minister Blair claims, the reverse is true. Scots are subsidising the rest of the UK. Later on we shall see that the GERS report also overstates the amount of Government expenditure in Scotland, presenting the case that Scotland is an economic basket case which needs propping up by the UK treasury. If this were the true case then Westminster must clearly accept responsibility for gross mismanagement of the Scottish economy. THE GERS EXPENDITURE ANALYSIS The main source for my Information has come from the UK treasury website statistics Url Namely : http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/economic_data_and_tools/finance_spending_statistics/ pes_publications/pespub_pesa05.cfm Other publications have been used for reference and these are listed at the foot of the appendices which follow this report. The GERS Report makes a great fuss about identifiable and non identifiable spending in Scotland and how difficult it is to define these two grey areas. After spending two solid months reviewing Government statistics, I have been pleasantly surprised at how few grey areas exist. Those that do exist can be calculated using logic and common sense. Therefore I have left out these two headings contained in the GERS report which in my opinion are used for obfuscation of the true facts. Actually the phrase “Smoke and Mirrors” comes to mind. This will avoid the easily preventable mistakes contained in the GERS report such as the £530 Million pounds of English Legal, Courts & Prisons spending being credited to Scotland’s account whereas Scotland’s Legal costs are covered in the Annual Barnett block grant. GENERAL PUBLIC SERVICES The GERS report gives the figure of £1,476 Millions, whereas the actual figure is £886 Millions giving a variance of £590 Million pounds. It should be noted that £530 Millions of this variance is accounted for by English Courts, prisons and legal services which do not apply to Scotland. Which has her own Legal system. The balance can be attributed to the two major HMRC Offices at East Kilbride and Cumbernauld which have a UK wide remit. EU TRANSACTIONS The GERS report gives the figure of £(316) Millions, whereas the actual figure is £(69) Millions in line with the population ratio, giving a variance of £(247) Million pounds. INTERNATIONAL SERVICES The GERS report gives the figure of £480 Millions, whereas the actual figure is £486 Millions giving a variance of £(6) Million pounds understated. DEBT INTEREST The GERS report gives the figure of £2,086 Millions, whereas the actual figure is £2,110 or 8.6% Millions giving a variance of £(24) Million pounds understated. It is arguable considering that Scotland has been in surplus decade upon decade that Scotland should bear any part of this debt burden. However as this is a grey area, a population percentage has been applied. DEFENCE LESS COSTS OF TRIDENT, The GERS report gives the figure of £2,431 Millions or 9%, which also charges the entire cost of the Trident system to Scotland, when it fact it is a UK wide commitment. In actual fact the correct figure is £954 Millions or 3.5% giving a variance of £1,477 Millions. The GERS compilers have obviously taken the population plus Trident to arrive at their figure. Most of the so called unidentifiable expenditure is amply documented as being spent in SE England and Wales. TRIDENT NUCLEAR DETERRENT FORCE The GERS report includes the True Trident costs of £1.7 Billion pounds in the general Defence expenditures whereas the actual figure is £146 Millions per the Scottish population ratio giving a variance of £146 Millions. PUBLIC ORDER AND SAFETY The GERS report understates with their figure of £2,317 Millions, whereas the actual figure is £2,481 Millions giving a variance of £(164) Million pounds. I have a suspicion that the costs of Security for the Coulport Nuclear Storage facility and protection of the Royal family in Scotland are included here. In reality these should be a charge pro rata on the UK population as a whole. ENTERPRISE AND ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT The GERS report gives the figure of £679 Millions, whereas the actual figure is £516 Millions or 7.2% giving a variance of £163 Millions overstated. SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY The GERS report gives the figure of £295 Millions or 12.1%, whereas the actual figure is 281 Millions or 11.6% giving an understated variance of £14 Millions. EMPLOYMENT POLICIES The GERS report gives the figure of £803 Millions or 21.9 %, whereas the actual figure is £711 Millions or 19.4% giving a variance of £92 Millions. AGRICULTURE, FISHERIES AND FORESTRY The GERS report gives the figure of £666 Millions or 12.2%, whereas the actual figure is £729 Millions or 13.4% giving a variance of £(63) Millions. TRANSPORT The GERS report gives the figure of £1.702 Millions or 10.6%, whereas the actual figure is £1,413 Millions or 8.8% giving a variance of £289 Millions. These figures are suspect as there appears to be an element representing investment into transport infrastructures in London which has been allocated to the Scottish account. ENVIRONMENT PROTECTION The GERS report gives the figure of £825 Millions or 12.0%, whereas the actual figure is £639 Millions or 9.3% giving a variance of £186 Millions. I have a question mark about the amount allocated to the Scottish account and it might be a good idea for a member of Parliament to ask a question in the house to verify the actual amount spent in Scotland as I suspect thgis amount is overstated by including spending in the rest of the UK. HOUSING AND COMMUNITY AMENITIES The GERS report gives the figure of £1,279 Millions or 16.3%, whereas the actual figure is £893 Millions or 11.3% giving a variance of £386 Millions. The GERS Figure is clearly inflated as I suspect this amount is overstated by including spending in the rest of the UK. HEALTH The GERS report gives the figure of £7,737 Millions or 9.4%, whereas the actual figure is £7,919 Millions or 9.6% giving a variance of £(182) Millions. RECREATION, CULTURE AND RELIGION The GERS report gives the figure of £950 Millions or 13.8%, whereas the actual figure is £746 Millions or 10.8% giving a variance of £204 Millions. EDUCATION AND TRAINING The GERS report gives the figure of £5,892 Millions or 9.0%, whereas the actual figure is £5,675 Millions or 8.7% giving a variance of £217 Millions. SOCIAL PROTECTION The GERS report gives the figure of £15.475 Billions or 9.4%, whereas the actual figure is £15.281 Billions or 9.3% giving a variance of £176 Millions. NOTES ON APPARENT DISCREPANCIES There are a number of arithmetical discrepances between the statistical figures I have used and the same figures used by GERS. This is most probably due to the @Round function of the Excel spreadsheet used. There is a well known work around for this bug. COMMENTS The GERS report tells us nothing useful about how an Independent Scotland would be able to run her own affairs. It does demonstrate that the present UK administration is bloated and cumbersome. An example of big government in action. For example the UK’s PAYE System is very inefficient requiring 48.3 pence in every pound collected for its internal administration. An Independent Scotland needs to consider more Radical Taxation methods and this author recommends ‘The Flat Tax’ system wherein both Tax and National Insurance contributions (A tax by any other name) are combined. Its simplicity makes it very cost effective to collect and with a personal allowance of £12,000 p.a. It would at a single stroke take 250,000 Scottish taxpayers out of the loop. One single rate of 29 pence in the pound on all earnings over the personal allowance is easy to administer both by the Government and the Employer. Another idea would be for Scotland to become both a Free Trade area and an offshore tax haven which linked to the highly successful Financial services sector in Edinburgh would create a powerful and stable economy. Naturally, Scotland could not be a member of the EU as the Eurozone rules forbid Free trade areas and offshore Tax havens. In Conclusion in the light of the statistics cited above, there can be no doubt at all why Scotland could not go it alone as an independent nation just as Norway and the other smaller European nations have done. We can give our citizens a higher quality of life whilst investing part of the Oil revenues into an Oil Fund for future generations to enjoy the benefits from. Our pensioners will have pensions on which they can live in Dignity withoutthe demeaning means testing for poverty. Schools that can invest in new buildings, equipment and teachers without incurring the crippling debts of PPP/PFI which will have to be paid by our grandchildren far into the future. A properly funded and run Health Service, free to all which does not ration healthcare by postcode or age. Again free of the PPP/PFI fiscal drain which benefits the private companies, not the Patients, the poorest of whom are ruthlessly exploited for profit in their hours of need. Our Young people anxious to own their first home can apply to Housing Associations that can build the type of houses people want to live in. To build truly social housing not Labour’s Stalinist monobloc, soul-less concrete deserts of the past. Crofters and hill farmers who are the sturdy backbone of our rural communities can receive aid which stops the depopulation of our rural areas. Fishermen can rely on properly supported Fishing conservation measures which will preserve stocks ensuring they have a living and more importantly, stocks for their sons to fish in the future, protected by a small but efficient Navy, Army and Air Force. Businessmen will be able to develop a vibrant economy for the benefit of all Scots, by having a business friendly regime of lower business rates and small taxes and in turn can increase the wealth of the nation by trading with the entire world through innovative means such as a Scottish Freeport. This is something that great thinker Adam Smith envisaged centuries ago and something we Scots can make a reality through efficient communications by Land, Air and Sea will facilitate this trade. Communications planned and implemented by Scots not some dis-interested foreign government. Ladies and Gentlemen of Scotland, the Future lies in your hands. Have I made a the case that our Government have continuously deceived us for many years about Scotland’s Oil and Gas resources as revealed by the McCrone Report recently released. Then the GERS figures which purport to show Scottish finances cannot support Independence. The Great Deception is revealed, do YOU personally still believe it? Signed. Niall Aslen. 22nd March 2007. Copyright Reserved. This article may be reproduced free of charge on condition that the authors copyright is acknowledged. Sources used in compiling this article which includes 1,781 pages of various publications are as follows: The GERS Report itself http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2006/12/11084016/0 http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/stats/ http://www.oxfordeconomics.com/Free/pdfs/regcont.pdf http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/economic_data_and_tools/finance_spending_statistics/ pes_publications/pespub_pesa05.cfm (Note. You may have to cut and paste this link into your browser.) UKOOA Annual Report 2006 (Hard copy) Insider magazine January 2007 edition. Institute of Fiscal Studies Report. Briefing note 9. Economic Outlook. Regional contributions to UK Public finances. Oxford University. Adam Smith Institute Briefing note: A Flat tax for the UK by Richard Teather.

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